Hi so I am another one of you guys who unfortunately struggle with weight and self image.😅 I won’t reveal my age Or personal info, but my mom just has “those” genes and she has always been larger, and I sadly have had those genes passed down to me. So I absolutely despise my weight (I’m overweight not obese but my weight in lbs is absolutely ridiculous), outer appearance, and attractiveness. (I will also try to refrain from revealing my weight right now although later if I loose any y’all can do the math😉) I was also born into a biracial couple (and I really want to bleach my skin haha) so I have always thought people may have referred to me as another one of those fat black kids. (I’m not completely black but have pretty brown skin so yeah)
Over the last three years i have tried to loose weight in certain ways. In about fifth grade I just plummeted. For me I moved to a new school, puberty started and so everything was changing; there were mean people in my class, I became so self conscious to the point that I considered running away, and I was always getting into some kind of trouble at home, school, and any other extracurricular activities. I didn’t have a phone although most of the other kids did, and my parents were quite protective of me so I wasn’t allowed to be exposed to social media or the internet.
I knew very little about dieting due to my mother who for many years did so, but I wasn’t really ready to give up food. I simply continued to secretly hate myself when one day my parents bought the amazing, the beautiful... Amazon tablet! I was glad I had access to some technology, like others, which boosted some of my self esteem. I was allowed to use it for school work which turned into Minecraft which turned into messaging certain people and musically. I had a “friend” who was allowed to message with me, although she turned mean and vile and soon we got into a fight. She told me I was rude and worthless, and I agreed. My parents angrily told me to delete the app.
Her comments affected my relationship with the other people I hung out with that year. At some point I was so upset my teacher forced me into a counseling session. (That was the second session I’ve ever had in my entire life; 1st time was in kindergarten when I didn’t get the spot I wanted on the carpet in music class)
I am one of those people who just don’t want to bother any other people with their own personal problems. I’ve seen times were people just seem to depend on others for comfort and fixing. I believe that is kind of weak and that it is just best to learn how to do things independently. I already understood I was upset because I was not happy with myself; and I just lied during the counseling session so I could leave.
The rest of that fifth grade year just pissed me off. It was the worst year of my life, period. 🤬
Sixth grade was like a new light for me. Over the summer my parents bought an apple computer, so I
spent hours and hours on it, finding ways to loose weight. I found several google searches told me to eat less! Eat less! As sixth grade rolled in, I tried to eat as little as possible in one go, wondering how skinny I’ll get in one day. But I broke the fast almost as soon as I started it, realizing it’s much harder than it looks. I ate healthy, went vegetarian, went vegan, broke all of my commitments, and then I found what anorexia is. I was so happy to find it existed, looked at a couple pictures of anorexic girls, and thought I was ready to become anorexic. I went a week or two only eating a bite during the school day and dinner, but soon I just couldn’t go on without eating. I ate normally for a fem months and went back to my crazy weight loss program. 😂 I decided I would try again for the summer, but I kept saying to myself as I stuffed my face with food, “I’ll start tomorrow! “ A looong time passed of me doing that, and I tried not eating again right before summer started, and it didn’t work.
I was pretty sad that it didn’t go so well, since this year (2017) I was flying to Czech Republic all alone to meet my family. I wasn’t very confident in coming and showing my family how I fat I was, so I promised myself I would eat as little as possible during the five week trip and then present myself as precious and tiny for sixth grade. Of course I was unable to do so. I ended up eating a lot while secretLy envying my skinny Czech friends. Seventh grade was a great year with great teachers, experiences, and new friends.
That year went on. I continued with my on and off new dieting techniques, and although I did loose some weight to my mature commitments, I gained it all back. I also did ballet almost my whole life and I was quite self conscious of my body when I danced. I also, as a typical adolescent girl would, got unwanted curves in some places. I hated it, so I in fact had ways of hiding my chest by wearing to sports bras and wearing one normally while allowing the support elastic band on the other one to rest in the middle of the area to hide the bust. I was is really emmberrasing and dumb now that I think abut it but it kinda worked lol
I also had a crush to motivate me with my weight loss just to add that in
Also on the last day of school I wore my bra normally and I was afraid people would go, “did they grow overnight or what??!” But they were small so I got no unwanted attention😉(please don’t judge haha)
This is really long so I’m gonna go to sleep now (I’m in Czech rn an it’s almost midnight and btw this is in 2019 but I havnt gotten there lol so I’ll finish this tomorrow gn)😪
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